Love Me for Myself -- by Anne Shier

When Alex met Elise, it was pretty much love at first sight. Elise had this special quality about her; to Alex, she looked like a lost little girl who needed protection. Alex, with such a strong personality, responded to her as the person who wanted to be her protector through life.

When they met, neither of them was looking for a relationship, certainly not a sexual one. They seemed to have a lot in common, however, and always had something to talk about whenever Elise came into the store where Alex worked. Gradually, Alex took to calling Elise on occasion at her workplace and, gradually, they became close without even realizing what was happening.

One day, Alex asked Elise to drop by the store after work, and Elise, not wanting to miss an opportunity to get to know Alex better, readily accepted. Little did she know they were soon going to become a lot closer.

To Elise, their relationship had been developing for quite a while, and she was not going to have any regrets about it no matter how it turned out. However, Elise still had no real idea of how Alex responded to her emotionally.

The sex between them later that evening at the Bluebird Motel was fantastic. It made Elise totally forget about her problems, and she knew it would make her life at home bearable. It wasn’t really the sex between them that she would remember the most, however. It was their first kiss, so tender yet passionate, that she wanted to keep close to her heart. The emotions they felt for each other at that moment were unmistakable.

She could hardly stand to even look at her husband, Adrian, with the same trusting eyes, especially since she’d practically walked in on him and his girlfriend “doing it” in their bed! At some point, she was sorely tempted to tell Adrian about her affair with Alex but quickly realized that telling him would be the worst thing she could possibly do. Adrian would never understand the chemistry between them. Alex was very good for Elise, but Adrian would, no doubt, just see an interloper trying to interfere with their life together. So Elise and Alex made a pact to see each other as often as it was deemed safe to do so and at the same time promised each other they would tell no one about their secret affair; this was going to be private, strictly between them for now. 

Elise and Alex would get together once or twice a month, and it didn’t take long for Elise to realize that her life without Alex was going to be unbearable. She was going to have to decide soon whether to stay with Adrian under these trying circumstances or leave him and start all over again, completely on her own.

As infatuated as she was with Alex, she also thought she might still love Adrian. After all, he was her husband, though not a perfect person by any means. It wasn’t going to be easy to make such a big decision about her life with him. Meanwhile, her happiness, even for a little while, seemed to revolve more around Alex. Her pain at recently finding out she had been cheated on by Adrian with his girlfriend, Lila, was slowly waning, but her joy in being wantonly sexual with Alex was worth any price she might have to pay later on.

If anyone had asked her even a year ago about the nature of same-sex relationships, she would have pooh-poohed the whole thing as rubbish. Elise had never before had any kind of exposure to this kind of relationship in her entire life. She’d never before met anyone who was gay or lesbian, and quite frankly, she didn’t care. Without some prior experience or exposure to this kind of lifestyle, she had no idea how such relationships flourished. But evidently, they did—whether the two people in it were gay or lesbian. It was becoming apparent that the partners in a serious same-sex relationship could be just as happy together as any heterosexual couple. Some same-sex couples even wanted to make a heartfelt marital commitment to each other. In a few Canadian provinces, same-sex couples were legally allowed to marry. Even though some provinces were slower in changing their legislation to allow same-sex marriage, it was happening.

At the moment, in any case, it wasn’t safe for Elise to do anything other than go to work each day, see Alex secretly as much as possible and go home to Adrian, hoping he would not suspect what she was doing on the side with Alex. Adrian was not the kind of person who would have just let her go without a fight; he would have wanted to know her real reason for wanting to leave him. If he ever found out the truth, all hell would break loose. Knowing him as well as she did, Elise knew that a divorce from Adrian would be fraught with conflict, anger and emotional turmoil, and she didn’t think she could handle that.

Whenever Elise thought about her relationship with Alex, her thoughts were full of love and affection. She also felt a lot of respect and admiration for Alex. As for the sex … wow! she thought. The sexual part is just that—part of the relationship, not the whole thing. That’s what a “normal” relationship should be like, shouldn’t it? Why am I so afraid to leave Adrian? It’s an utter waste of my life to be with him when he doesn’t make me happy anymore. Am I happy with Adrian? No, not really. Am I happy with Alex? Yes and no. I feel so mixed up right now. This is something I must resolve for my own sake. Maybe what I really need to know is how Alex feels about me.

Elise resolved to talk to Alex about their relationship as soon as possible. She needed to clarify some things like how committed they really were to each other. Elise did not want a purely sexual relationship with anyone, mainly because she knew that no couple could ever sustain that level of excitement based on just a physical attraction.

How am I supposed to relate to my partner when the sex is over? However, if the respect, admiration and love she felt for Alex was returned in full measure, there was hope for the future. What if I find out that Alex and I actually love each other and want to make a long-term commitment to each other? Will I still be as mixed up as I am right now? I’m scared about the implications of making that kind of commitment to Alex, but I’m also really scared about how to deal with Adrian. He would just freak out about me being in this new relationship, and he would not know how to handle it! I guess I’ll have to have a heart-to-heart talk with Alex sometime very soon—then I’ll know what to do.

A couple of weeks later, Elise and Alex were alone at Alex’s home. Elise carefully broached the subject of their relationship, wanting to test for sudden tension in the air. “As you know, you have become the most important person in my life,” Elise said, “and my relationship with Adrian pales by comparison. I know what ‘love’ is really supposed to mean. What I need to know is how you feel about me.”

“I have feelings for you,” Alex softly replied, gently caressing her face. “But you need to know it’s not a simple situation here. People in general do not readily accept lesbian relationships, and that’s because it is hard for them to understand a sexual attraction between two females. Basically, if you’re a woman who’s never had this kind of sexual experience before, you would never be able to empathize with a lesbian female. This sets up a lesbian relationship as a target for discrimination and prejudice of the worst kind.”

“What do you mean by discrimination and prejudice? Isn’t that when people treat you worse than they would normally treat you because you are seen as somehow ‘different’?”

“Yes. Imagine what your parents, siblings, relatives, friends and colleagues are going to think about you once you decide to ‘come out’ and be open about your new sexual orientation. You’ll get a lot of grief from your loved ones and co-workers. They may not want to see you or talk to you for quite a while. They will not easily be able to accept your new status, not to mention your new partner in life. If you can handle that kind of horrific stress on a nearly daily basis, then maybe it won’t be so bad for you. But the odds are against you.”

“Okay, Alex. I think I understand what you’re saying. But I also think I love you enough to weather the inevitable storm; at least, I want to try. I know it won’t be easy; in fact, it will be very difficult. Other than Adrian’s reaction to what I am going to tell him, I am not so concerned with what other people, even my other family members, might think. I have to live my own life, and they will eventually get the message from me that if they want to see me, they will have to accept me and love me for myself, not for who they want me to be. Not only that, they will have to accept you too, as being my significant other.”

“I want you to know that I love you too. I felt a special connection with you when we first met. I couldn’t ignore those feelings, because my history with other people has been spotty, to say the least. My relationships with men, for the most part, were destructive. Later, when I started to have relationships with women, I found they were more responsive and sensitive toward me and my needs. That was the moment I decided I was going to be with a woman from now on. That wasn’t the way I’d started out, but now that I am openly lesbian, I’m happy and getting what I need for my emotional health. If you love me for myself, then I will return that love to you with all my heart.”

copyright - Anne Shier, 2013, all rights reserved, published by Authorhouse, Bloomington, Indiana, USA