A Change of Heart—Immigrating to Canada -- by Anne Shier

(Inspired by an article in the Canadian Immigrant [Ontario edition], February 2011.)

My husband, Jamie, and I, now living in Canada for a year, had moved here from England with our two young girls. At first we all loved it here. Canada is a truly wonderful place to live. Canadians are terrific people to be around. People everywhere in the world know this. We felt we had as good a chance to succeed at immigrating to Canada as anyone one else. We just had to be sure it was what we wanted and that our marriage was on solid ground. I was soon to find out just how “solid” our marriage really was. We thought we were prepared to come here to build a new life for ourselves without having any other family here. We knew we would only have each other for love and support. It was not really a matter of not being able to do this or not wanting to. We just knew it was the only thing for us to do if we wanted to have a better life for ourselves and our kids. It would be worth any sacrifice we had to make.

In our previous life in England, despite what anyone else might have thought, we’d had to struggle for everything we wanted. Everything (goods and services) was very expensive there. My husband often had to work overtime for our financial support and well-being. That was nothing unusual. Meanwhile, I stayed home with the kids until they were old enough to attend school. Daycare in England was also extremely expensive and not readily available. Without that, it was impossible for me to work outside our home. Somehow I didn’t mind though; I got used to it. I was mainly responsible for the cooking, cleaning and laundry, and my husband would help out with babysitting whenever I had to do the grocery shopping. He said he didn’t mind and I believed him; he was a very good father to our two daughters. He would also help out with doing dishes at night and picking up the kids’ clothes and toys after they’d gone to bed. He said he also didn’t mind doing that either. He was doing his best to be a good husband and father, and I really had nothing substantial to complain about.

I was slowly becoming aware that I was unhappy and restless but had no idea why. After all, we had a much better life here in Canada. Things were still somewhat expensive but were manageable. It became easier, financially, when I started working full time after the kids started school. While we missed our families at home in England, we still felt that coming to Canada was the best thing we could have done. To keep in touch with our families, we bought a laptop computer for ourselves at home and used it to send and receive e-mail; we loved to exchange loving messages and funny pictures and dozens of web links and even chatted online once in a while when it was relatively quiet at home and possible to do this. Having a computer made it easier and cheap to stay in touch with our family members, compared to making expensive telephone calls overseas.

I really should have been a happy camper with my loving husband, our two wonderful girls and our brand-new life here. Unfortunately, some bad things happened to other married immigrant couples, bad things that had caused divorce, wreaking havoc in their lives. That was the way I was starting to feel. I had started to think that working outside the home and trying to fulfill my many responsibilities at home at the same time was becoming too much. I thought I could not possibly be alone in this regard. Women the world over were having to balance a full time job with a full time household role. But it was getting to be too much for me. My husband, as great a guy as he was, still wanted to have some alone-time with me, especially after he’d arrived home from his workday and just wanted to relax with me and have a glass of wine or a nice cup of tea after dinner. Was he asking too much? I suppose not, but it seemed like he had the easier role. All he had to do was go to work and bring home a paycheque. He could relax at the end of his workday, but my “second job” at home would be just beginning after my primary workday was done. I seriously started to resent and blame him, either for my inability or unwillingness to fulfill both roles to the best of my ability. Was it fair to resent and blame him for my inadequacies? Who knows? All I knew was that it was not a good situation and it was getting worse on a nearly daily basis. It was going to be only a matter of time before something gave.

Almost a year later, I’d finally had enough and told Jamie, “I want to go back to England. Living here in Canada is simply not working for me. I’m truly sorry for having to tell you this after everything we’ve all been through.”

This was probably one of the worst things I could have said to him. Completely shocked and dismayed at my words, he asked, “But why, Kate? Why do you want to leave Canada? We have a great life here. You already have access to your family almost anytime you want through the computer. Isn’t there anything I can say or do to persuade you otherwise?”

I told him, “I have found it difficult to work two different jobs to make our life here happen. There is already a lot of stress associated with moving to a new country with a new culture, making new friends, creating a new career for myself and at the same time trying to make my family comfortable. And despite having a computer, it’s not the same as having my family around to hug and kiss me and to talk to about personal problems. I honestly think I would be better off being nearer to my family back in England.”

Jamie tried everything he could think of to dissuade me from wanting to leave Canada, to no avail. If I could have read his mind, I would have seen his thoughts: What could you possibly be thinking? Moving to Canada has been the best thing we could ever have done. What is there in England for us now? What about our kids? What happens to them now that you’ve decided to change your mind about living here?

He seemed to have been convinced that our marriage had adapted to changing circumstances and cultural roles. He knew the kids also loved attending school here. Privately, he thought, I’d hate to uproot them again and move them back to England where we don’t have a hope in hell of creating anything better for ourselves. I don’t think I can do this, not even for your happiness, Kate. So what now? He wouldn’t have to wait long to get his answer. I just had to wait until he could figure it out for himself.

As he sat alone in the darkened living room later that evening, Jamie contemplated his options: Should I uproot my whole family and move back to England with Kate—something I do not want to do? Should I let her go back to England without us? Should I allow her to take the kids with her back to England?

These questions kept circling around and around in his mind, confusing and frustrating him. There was no clear answer. There was something else that kept nagging at him about my need to leave Canada. He just couldn’t seem to put his finger on it. It didn’t seem right that I should be so eager to leave Canada when it was so obvious to the kids and him that Canada was where we all belonged now.

His final thought that night was, Well, there’s really only one way to find out the truth, and that is to ask her what her real reason is for wanting to leave.

Firmly resolved, he decided to sleep on it, with the idea that if he still wanted to get at the truth of the matter he would indeed ask me about it in the morning.

When we all got up, it was a Saturday morning, so no one was in any hurry to get anywhere. So, Jamie thought, This is my opportunity to get you to admit the real truth—so here goes …

“Kate, could we have a heart-to-heart talk about this move you’re contemplating? What I need to know from you is—what it is you are really after in England? What’s in England that we don’t have here?”

“I’ve been very unhappy balancing my full time job at the office with my full time job at home,” I replied. “You know that. At the same time, there seems to be something missing in my life because I just can’t put my whole heart and soul into doing these things. So I started chatting online and sharing my life with others to see if I was alone in how I felt. Eventually, I met a man online who totally empathized with me and seemed to be kind and caring at the same time. We sort of hit it off right from the beginning. We’ve been chatting and exchanging e-mails now for three or four months. I’m now at the point where I want to get to know him better. To do that, I have to go back to England because that’s where he lives. I’m so sorry that I have to do this to you and the girls. I suppose we should get a divorce too since I’m planning on leaving you.”

The shocked paleness of Jamie’s face told me everything that he was feeling. Jamie, in an initial state of shock, said, “You mean you want to leave me and the kids for another man? How could you do this to us? I know it’s difficult immigrating to another country, but coming to Canada has been a good move for us. Do you honestly think this other man is going to support you financially in England? If that’s what you believe, I think you’re deluding yourself. He is only interested in a temporary affair with you. When he’s tired of you, he’ll dump you the way you’re dumping me and the kids.”

Thinking about Jamie’s words, I said, “I’m really sorry, Jamie, but nothing you say now will make any difference. I need to be nearer to my family. They are much more supportive, emotionally, than you are. As for the financial aspect, I’ll still have to find a job in England since expecting some other man to support me is totally unrealistic. That might be his choice, but I’m not banking on it. If you love me, you’ll let me go and that’s it.”

Jamie, still totally shocked, replied, “I have to think about this, Kate. Meanwhile, you should be thinking about how you’re going to tell our kids about this. I am not going to be the ‘heavy’ in this case. It’s up to you to break the bad news to them. If they can handle it, maybe I can too eventually.”

That night I broke the news to Kimmie and Kerrie, and they sobbed their little hearts out. Telling them made me cry too. I wished more than anything that I hadn’t had to say that kind of thing to them, but it wouldn’t have sounded right coming from anyone else.

“My darlings, I hope you can forgive me one day for what I have to do right now. I promise to stay in touch with both of you on a regular basis, by letter, chat and email. And I would like to visit you once in a while, if at all possible. I need you to know how difficult this is for me to do. And I also need to know that you will accept it.”

Two weeks later I left for England, telling myself I was doing the right thing. But the “right thing” wasn’t so obvious. Who was it really right for? I wasn’t ready to answer that question yet. But now that I was doing what I’d chosen to do, I would have to stand by my decision, hoping I hadn’t done irreparable damage to my relationship with my daughters. Only time would tell if our love was strong enough to sustain us.

Eventually, Kimmie and Kerrie realized and told me they knew I had done something that made me happy, and even though they experienced deep grief at losing me, they gradually learned to accept the inevitable. They accepted it because they knew I truly loved them and wanted only the best for them.

copyright - Anne Shier, 2013, all rights reserved, published by Authorhouse, Bloomington, Indiana, USA