Date with a Predator -- by Anne Shier

(Inspired by an article in the Toronto Sun, December 2010.)

Have you ever met a man online and then impulsively decided to meet him in person? Did you then decide to take your chances and go out somewhere with him? My name is Nicole McGregor. I began chatting with a strange man on a social networking website, designed for such purposes, in December 2007. We talked online for several months on this website. Finally, we agreed to meet in person in July 2008 in a public place. That was fine until I had to use the washroom, and the nearest one was at his condo.

By this time I felt comfortable enough with him that I felt I could go to his condo without fear. He did not seem to be the predator-type—the kind you read about in the newspapers all the time. He appeared to be just an ordinary, average guy. He was a real charmer, the kind of guy you would feel comfortable with because he did not fit the stereotype of a predator. Having been a teacher for several years in a community college (at the age of 38), I felt I could “read” people’s body language fairly well by now; I did not get any bad “vibes” from him, so I thought he was harmless. We’d been talking for several months online already, and I never got the faintest impression that he would do anything bad to me—until I left the washroom at his place that evening.

After I came out of his bathroom, Jordan handed me a glass of wine. He said it was to celebrate the “new” relationship we were going to have.

I asked him, “What ‘new’ relationship, Jordan? I don’t know you that well yet. We need to take the time to know each other much better before anything sexual can happen between us. In time, that may be possible, but for now, it’s not. Besides, I have no protection at all. And having sex with a virtual stranger is not something I would do without adequate protection. If I got pregnant or caught a venereal disease, it would be because of having sex with you, so that is not going to happen.”

He replied, “Fine, Nicole, I’m in no hurry to get involved with you either. Still, let’s toast each other and be thankful we finally met in person.”

To which I replied, “All right, Jordan, as long as you realize I’m leaving right after we have this glass of wine together.”

So we toasted each other, and I drank the wine. After a short while, maybe 15 minutes or so, I started to feel funny. Pretty soon I couldn’t move or speak, and he was watching me very closely. As the effects of the drink became even more pronounced, I found myself face down, passing out fully clothed on Jordan’s bed (I presume I became unconscious), and that is when I believe he sexually assaulted me.

I wasn’t exactly sure what he had done to me, but when I woke up, it was clear that something sexual had happened—only, I couldn’t remember what. However, I was certain I did not consent to having sexual intercourse with him and he already knew that. The thing is, my clothes were in complete disarray. I couldn’t remember anything sexual happening between us, because if there had, I would have fought back.

I asked him to take me home, which he did. We never did talk about getting back together again. I was certain I never wanted to see him again because of what I thought he had done to me.

I phoned the police station right away and laid charges of sexual assault against him, due to the fact that anything sexual that he’d initiated was done while I was passed out on his bed.

When the court date came and it was my turn to testify against Jordan, I told the judge I was lying face down, inert, on his bed, with my eyes closed. To my best knowledge, I did not initiate anything sexual or reciprocate his sexual advances in any way. In my mind, he must have thought I was consenting to sex, however, simply because I was in his bedroom lying on his bed. I didn’t have more than one glass of wine the whole time I was at his place. But that wouldn’t have mattered if he’d drugged my drink. The drug (whatever it was), combined with the alcohol, would have been enough to keep me under his control. He, on the other hand, kept drinking—possibly as much as one full bottle of wine the whole time I was with him; I think he must have been pretty drunk..

The judge agreed with me, saying the fact that I was lying there seemingly passed out with my eyes closed meant I could not have initiated anything sexual with him or responded to his advances. Jordan’s lawyer could only try to shake me in my conviction that I had been date-raped, which he could not. I was firm about the events at Jordan’s condo as I remembered them.

I later found out that Jordan was a married man with a child and out on bail for some other criminal offence. I don’t know if his prior crime was sexual in nature, but he had managed somehow to convince me that he was not a predator-type. So he obviously was not a single man, nor was he a man without parental obligations. He had lied to me, and I had believed him because I didn’t think a man could lie so much and yet be so charming and nice So much for my ability to “read” body language. I resolved to never again go out with anyone I’d met online. More to the point, I resolved to never again be alone with a virtual stranger in a place where I could not easily get help if I needed it. If we had stayed in a public place, calling for help would have been relatively easy to do. I only had myself to blame for whatever happened, even though he was the one who had done the dirty deed.

I wanted to use this experience to help other women and girls who regularly engaged in chatting with strange men online.

I couldn’t help but think that this same thing could very well happen to some young teenage girl who doesn’t have nearly the life experience I do. A man like Jordan could tell her he was a young man of about her age and lead her to think things about himself that were not true. If she wasn’t careful, she might end up in a place alone with him—in his car or apartment—and he could then do whatever he wanted to with her. She would probably not be nearly as assertive as I was and thus might be seduced into something she neither wanted nor asked for. If it could happen to me, it could happen to anyone, any time.

A strange man could tell you anything about himself online. He could tell you he was younger or older than he actually was; he could tell you he was richer than he actually was; he could even tell you he was a young girl or he could tell you he was good looking and then send you a fake photo showing a good-looking guy, and you would probably assume it was him. Conversely, when you first meet someone in person, he can’t lie to you about his physical appearance. And you might be able to guess how old he is or how rich, depending on the circumstances of the meeting.

Still, the best con artists are those who know how to make you believe something that isn’t true. They know how to make you believe certain things about them. You wouldn’t know the whole truth about this man unless you had him checked out. Such things as: Is he married (and to whom)? Does he have any children? Where does he work, or does he even have a job? How long has he worked there? The list goes on and on. People, particularly young girls and lonely women, especially lonely women of means, should be very careful when talking to strange men online. I suppose that my own experience with Jordan taught me a good lesson about criminals and con artists. It’s just too bad that I had to learn my lesson the hard way—by getting date-raped. This kind of illicit sexual activity goes on more than you could possibly believe. And it’s something to be avoided at all costs.

        One day, when I am 20 or 30 years older, I will still vividly remember that I was date-raped by some strange man; it’s not something I will ever forget, nor do I want to. But if any female asks me about date-rape or about chatting with strange people online, I will tell her the whole truth about these issues—be very careful what you tell anyone about yourself, and don’t believe everything you are told about the person you’re chatting online with. You need to meet him in person, and even then, you won’t know everything about him. If he’s a con artist, he can still fool you into believing whatever he wants you to believe. That’s what you really have to watch out for.

copyright - Anne Shier, 2013, all rights reserved, published by Authorhouse, Bloomington, Indiana, USA